Boundaries, a book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, makes me wonder what percentage of human malcontent is a direct result of some level of inappropriate boundaries. The subject of boundaries is a meaty one as I’ve discovered, but I will sample a few specifics of what I found to be the most thought-provoking ideas:
Having appropriate boundaries in our lives means having the discernment to know when to say ’no’ and when to say ‘yes’, which is fundamental to healthy, fulfilling, and mutually beneficial relationships.
For many of us, whether or not we have appropriate boundaries is a side effect of our childhood scripting. Unless we’re intentional about changing in our adult years, we are all the product of how we were raised, for good or for ill. This is true as much as it is truly unfair. The good news is that we can change the script.
Boundaries are not obstructions to keep others out, although there certainly is a time and place for that. Boundaries are a tool of mindfulness for elucidating the how, why, and when we give of ourselves and our time. Boundaries can help us lovingly navigate manipulative words and actions of others, but they can also simply give us a greater measure of freedom and control over our lives.
Boundaries aren’t about keeping others out of our lives. Shutting others out from the true feelings our heart is in fact an inappropriate use of boundaries. Having the freedom to be totally and completely honest with another person without fear is the lifeblood of relationships; healthy conflict is the sunlight and water to the flower of intimacy.
The first step to better control in our lives is recognizing what is and isn’t our responsibility. We are not responsible for other’s feelings. Many of us were unintentionally trained from childhood to believe this. Even in a warm and loving environment, children can be internalizing such messages, in their most vulnerable and formative years.
As parents, it’s tempting to wield our love as a bludgeon to manipulate our children to make good choices. This training is reinforced every time we say “it makes me sad when you do x” or “if you love me you’ll do y”, or when we withdraw emotionally or act hurt when our child tells us ’no’. What may seem like fairly innocuous statements are in actuality incompatible with the idea of unconditional love. Children who learn to not only accept ’no’ from parents but also to exercise their own ’no’ without fear of emotional withdrawal or perceived loss of love will be far better prepared to navigate social pressure in their teenage years and to set healthy boundaries in future relationships as adults.
Loving parents naturally want to shield their children from pain and suffering, but this can go too far. By over-providing, we can make it difficult for adults-to-be to say ’no’ to our gifts. The choice between accepting aid and being comfortable or striking out into the uncomfortable unknown is all too easy for those with limited life experience. In such a way, overstepping bounds can make it difficult for children to transition from adolescence to adulthood.
As much as parenting is on my mind as of late (as a parent of a 1 year old), my most eye-opening epiphany was actually about forgiveness. Thanks to this book, for the first time in my life I feel that I truly understand what forgiveness is (and isn’t):
When we don’t forgive another person, what we are saying is that we are expecting a debt to be repaid. Unforgiveness stems from the mistaken idea that we can control another person’s actions and force them to repay us, even if that’s just in the form of an apology. Forgiveness is not about ignoring the injury or condoning the action. It is simply to let go of all expectation of recompense that we rightfully deserve, and to move on. Forgiveness is to allow ourselves to mourn for and accept that which will never be.
I thought a book about boundaries might be focused on how to put distance between ourselves and others, but I believe the true message is how to stop trying to control others, communicate expectations, resolve conflict, and increase closeness and intimacy in our relationships.
If you decide to pick up this book, which I would recommend you do, you might want to know that the authors lay on the Bible stories fairly thick. The Bible is quoted throughout to show that these are not only good principles but also Biblical. While I’m not offended by this, I do think the authors have potentially limited the scope of their audience. That being said, I believe the doctrine is ancillary to the inherently and universally good principles, and the message wouldn’t be lost if one were to skim these sections.