There’s a common type of social media post, most typically from parents of small children. You know the ones. Parents are overflowing with gratitude and positivity. I have no reason to doubt the authenticity of such posts. However, I don’t believe they adequately capture the full spectrum of the wellspring of emotion that comes with being a parent.
I’m a parent (as of one year ago) so I can say with some first-hand knowledge that sometimes you do feel an extra measure of gratitude and joy, but more often life just as glamorous and romantic as it usually isn’t. For some, I imagine candor about the negative aspect of parenthood might seem selfish or overly despondent. However, I don’t think it’s wise to brush reality under the rug and pretend that parenthood is a perpetual Christmas card family portrait. Prospective parents should be given as much information as possible about what to expect after they’re done expecting.
Emily and I were exceedingly nervous about the prospect of having a child. In a way, this served us very well. For one, we had low expectations about our own comfort and happiness. While in most aspects it turned out better than we were fearing, we weren’t completely off the mark.
It seems most prospective parents we’ve interacted with assume they’ll be happier as a result of having children. The data doesn’t support this. Those with children are 12 percent less happy than those without children. Parenting is tough, and repeating statements about how parenthood is the most important job in the world doesn’t make it any easier.
As a new parent, expect to take all your current free time and throw away at least 85 percent of it. In fact, throw away pretty much all your freedom while you’re at it. Parenthood is conscription with no escape hatch. If you’re not happy with your life before having kids, I’m afraid life with them won’t be doing your well-being any favors.
The good news is that parenthood typically boosts one’s sense of meaning in life (which is not necessarily the same as happiness), and in fact people aged 50-70 show an increase of happiness over those who don’t have children (assuming the children have left the house). Parenthood is a sacrifice as much as it is a bet on the future.
Should you be nervous about having children? Absolutely. Not only will it kill your happiness temporarily, but parenting is also a tough skill to learn. Even parents with the best of intentions are bound to give their kids a disorder or two. As with any skill it takes training and intentional practice, but even then you’re still going to fail in many regards. Our only hope is that we can fail in a way that’s not catastrophic.
With all the information available to us, there’s no need to go into parenting blind. A little bit of trepidation with a hint of panic can go a long way to motivate new parents to work on self-improvement. Emily and I waited 8 years before having a child, and I quite like that timeframe. It gave us time to gain life experience, to make sure our marriage was rock solid, to become established in a career (remember, you will have very little time), and to just enjoy each other’s company, unhindered by the palatable stress of child-rearing.
Having a child is an intense and complex human experience like no other on this Earth. I wish we could have met our little boy Kev while we were going through our trepidations, as there’s something about finally meeting the little human that turned fear into love. This doesn’t mean that life isn’t hard and full of suffering, but it’s a testament to human complexity how we can simultaneously feel love and gratitude for our boy and mourn the simplicity of our old life.
It’s been an interesting year.